Association
The thing about association is that it changes you. This is an objective fact, and it is for this reason that such importance is placed upon keeping good company. The company we keep affects us. It affects how we feel about ourselves. It affects how we reason and come to understanding. Thus it affects our entire view of reality. This being the case, telling good association from bad becomes all-important.
How, then, to tell good association from bad?
Simply because potential associates adhere to an ideal to which we are attracted (perhaps appearing to be above others, somehow better, or more in the know) doesn’t mean this is objectively the case. Ideas, ideals and appearances are capable of exerting powerful influence upon our perception. But they can also be deceiving. How to know at the outset? Upon what basis can we judge good association from bad if, once accepted, it affects us and we come to see things according to the views and quality of that association?
Here are some thoughts I’ve had regarding the qualities I value in association:
When in good association both my personal insignificance and my intrinsic worth as an individual are simultaneously affirmed; it humbles me without making me feel unloved.
In good association, my need to outwardly affirm self-worth is calmed, and I am able to relax, accepting myself and others.
In good association my defences relax and I am able to take in new perspectives and appreciate the value of others without feeling threatened.
In good association I am able to be vulnerable and openly admit my ignorance, which allows me to learn.
In good association, everything is forgiven as secondary to love.
By clarifying my ignorance in an accepting way, good association allows my false notions of self to be admitted, challenged and debunked, to the satisfaction of my own intelligence.
In good association, I feel welcomed relief; it cools the passions, releasing me from their grip, replacing them with an open contentment.
These are all very nice and desirable things, the awareness of which may help to steer me away from bad association towards good. But simply judging the association offered to me by others (which can easily lead to judging the others themselves) is not enough. I also have to ask myself; am I capable of offering good association? Am I qualified? Am I doing my part to sustain good association? Do I even know how?
Good association exemplifies the art of carefully maintaining itself. For one who is aware, it is alive with a beautifully delicate and subtle dance of etiquette, never insisted upon but always observed. Good association is thus exemplary of awareness. It enlivens the heart.
By contrast, bad association is characterised by the very opposite. Etiquette, if not entirely ignored, is insisted upon dogmatically. Full of stiffness and posturing, it reduces openness and numbs the heart.
In bad association I find myself fearing the judgement of others while simultaneously passing judgement upon them.
In bad association, I hide myself, masking my closed heart behind a calculation of persona which engages others in a subtle warfare of wit, aiming to keep them slightly more vulnerable than myself.
Whereas in good association the self-preserving urge is aimed outwardly toward the preservation of that association itself, in bad association it is aimed inwardly toward preserving oneself only. In good association it is recognised that in the preservation of our openness together we are all preserved. Such faith is absent in bad association and the qualities of openness and sincerity are deemed naïve.
In the most simple of terms, good association is uplifting. This is its hallmark—just as the opposite of this is the hallmark of bad association. As a kind of litmus test, I may ask myself; am I participating in associations of genuine upliftment? Am I encouraging openness, honesty and vulnerability by my own example? Do I feel safe, valued and well received while doing so? Am I reciprocating courageously in a heart-full way with others, and they with me, when openly sharing in this way? If the answer to these questions is not yes, some introspection is in order, for no matter what the compelling attraction to associate may be, without these qualities present I am not yet participating in good association.